Shades of Sepia
I have exactly three weeks to go until I leave India, for
God knows how long. So that'll be August 14. And in case you haven't noticed, it's the day before the 15th. I vividly remember Independance Day last year. When I walked the streets around my house, hunting for rakhis. (No, I didn't sing the national anthem at any ceremony that day) But, it was the atmosphere that permeated my whole being. Kids wearing the tri-colour for badges, strains of 'Sabarmati Ke Sant', the flag fluttering high, right in the middle of a tiny street where it was hoisted... And again, I'd had that feeling that gives me goose-bumps: which I associate with a very elevated emotion; a mix of pride, solidarity and desire-to-act. THIS is where I belong!
I couldn't quite describe what it is like, for me to leave India. When I think too long about it, it builds up an extreme state of agitation within me. Yes, I'm gonna miss the heat and dust, the rain and clogged drains, the hawkers and haggling, the crowds and traffic, the saffron and green.
And worse still, I'm gonna miss all the people that've been dear to me all these years. And. Hyderabad. The sight of the stolid, grey walls of my school that look like they enclose a fortress (or like I've heard people say: a prison 8-|). The tiny ice-cream place that we used to frequent. The malls that I must've visited a million times so far - with family, friends, and alone too. The road to the railway station and back and the fly-over with its sky studded with huge billboards. All of them are like a panorama of my life. Makes me go "She's got a smile that it seems to me, reminds me of childhood memories..." And yeah, if I stared too long, I WOULD break down and cry.
Oh. My. God.
I think I use that phrase innumerable times each day. Which means I call upon an
omnipotent,
omniscient and
omnipresent force, just like countless other voices rise in discordance every day, in countless other variations and countless other languages. And each time, I say it as a sort of automatic reaction to a variety of situations. If I pondered upon the phrase, I'd immediately think of that Friends episode. But it certainly doesn't question my faith in that evocation. In fact, I'd be shocked, to say the least, if a voice boomed "Yes, Child?"
It charms me to see people with an unshakeable belief in God and blind devotion to religion. Atleast they KNOW someone's up there looking down upon them. It's like that Barbie 'house' I used to dream about having, as a kid. You watch Barbie having tea, watching TV, reading books, laying out breakfast. And you know you can fix her arm right in, if it fell out of the socket. You know you can make her a new pink lace dress, if she grew out of it. You 'make' her live. She can count on you.
And then, there are some that refuse to acknowledge any divine presence. And some like me, that don't know which side to take, as yet. I read somewhere recently, that the young are more resentful of accepting a supreme deity. As you grow older, and become more aware of your vulnerability, you start to give in. Maybe it's because you begin to get used to the ineluctable idea of 'mortality'. I tend to get morbid when I think of religion. Is it only human frailty that can act as a bitter reminder of a more powerful, arbitrating force; that shines down benevolently as long as you're doing 'right'? It's staggering to think how frail we really are. It scares me each time I wonder how we're still surviving with our limited physical and mental resources. Fortunately, we seem to be the 'cleverest' of all species (on Earth??) - Darwin's Theory of Natural Selectivity?
Besides growing up in an extremely devout environment, I've failed to imbibe an equivalent 'faith' in the Almighty. I DID have bouts of religious fervour though. In school, I'd tag along with friends to the adjoining St. Mary's church whenever we went early to school. Kneeling to pray, lighting candles, sprinkling Holy Water on our heads, accepting Communion, etc. The time, when I would chant Hindu mantras for almost an hour each day until I tired of it... Go to temples EVERY day, during Navratri. And yeah, at midnight on New Year's too. AFTER gorging on the cake that is. :P
And, thanks to Erich Von Daniken. My imagination can now safely take lead when I read mythology. Was Lord Krishna an alien? Why was he blue? Did the Gods use nuclear fuel? SOME flying chariots they had! What a diplomat Noah must've been. Was Moses some kind of a 'favourite'? Is this sacrilege?? Or maybe God can give me the benefit of doubt?
I wonder what it will take to attain enlightenment. I REALLY would like to know. Renunciation? Self-denial? Devoutness?
I can't stop thinking of Courtney Love. :-|
Being Single, Selfish and Satisfied
What's the deal with the world these days? Water's (bottled, of course) costlier than wine in Australia, they sell petrol for Rs. 3 per litre in Iraq, and people I thought "dumb" come up and talk "sense". We're all running upside down. (Eerily enough, that reminds me of my favourite scene in 'The Exorcist'. Brr!!) The person in question is Paris Hilton. Now, I don't have anything against blondes really. In fact, I rather like most of Reese Witherspoon's outfits in both the Legally Blonde movies. :P It's only about Hilton.. pardon my spite, but she exudes an air of dim-wittedness. However, this time around, looks like she's on the road to self-discovery - don't we all need it?
This is what she said, last month, on Letterman's show:
"I'm single for the first time in my life. I just want to be alone. I'm just going out with my sister and my girlfriends. It's cool not having to answer to anyone. I've never had time to get to know myself, I always put all of my energy into the man. I don't get to spend time on me. I'm just getting to know who I really am, until I can find someone else."
Period.
